my heart

last night sucked

i told him. i actually told him that i loved him. ive been going back and forth all day today as to exactly how stupid i am or how genius i am. stupid because if he has absolutely no feelings for me, ill never see him again. ever. and how genius i am because now my part is done. i dont have to do anything from now on in a sense. im so tired and being the one in love and the one making the effort. i want someone to make the effort for me. and someone that id actually appreciate i suppose.

i told him that i hated him for being an asshole. in return, he asked me why i thought he was an asshole. i asked if he really wanted to know, and he said yes. so i said it. i told him that i loved him. i could have kicked him in the face until he was unconscious for his response:

"you dont love me."

so i got up. grabbed steph and ruben, and walked out. he looked stunned. like he didnt know what to do really. deer in headlights. only i dont think the driver was paying attention. is a deer still a beautiful creature when youre cleaning it off your windsheild?

i was spacing out so badly on the way home that i ended up on the 5 freeway somehow and had to turn around somewhere near burbank. i dont even remember driving home last night. i remember nearly rear ending a couple people.
  • Current Music
    muse-time is running out
my heart

ahhh, gay men and straight girls go together like easy and mac

so we went to the abbey last night. fucking awesome time. stephanie and kathy....gorgeous as always. ruben....highly fuckable....and sleazy too! i heard about you and jose. haha. j/k. anyway. some slight drama with the boy but it all worked out. i spill my guts to him and tell him how much i like him and what do i get in response? a text message telling me that he likes me "a good amount." i aint lying people. what is that? a good amount? i like my shirt a good amount. i have a good amount of friends. i ate a pretty good amount of food today. you dont like someone A GOOD AMOUNT!!! oh man, its a good thing he sent that as a text message cos if he had said that to my face i woulda beat his ass.

and im an ass cos as i write this whole thing, i just found out that it wasnt the boy who sent that message at all. it was another boy. im so embarrassed right now i could shoot myself.

but now im pissed as well cos why couldnt the boy have written me a stupid text message saying that?

i hate boys.
i hate boys.
i hate boys.
i hate boys.
i hate boys....a good amount.
  • Current Mood
    embarrassed embarrassed
my heart

fuck it

my grandpa passed away on friday. my birthdays tomorrow. everything at work is changing. im overwhelmed. i just want to sleep the whole day tomorrow. shut off my phone and pray that when i wake up its march 30th.
  • Current Music
    jimmy eat world-get it faster
ewan

(no subject)

i havent updated this shit in a while. lets see. went to joses on sunday. some lil boy got alcohol poisoning. always fun. we were all trying to take care of him and make sure he didnt stop breathing. wasnt the first time ive halped take care of someone with alcohol poisoning. i guess he was alright the next morning tho.

i get to move into my apt tomorrow. ill have my own place. finally. ill get to sleep in a real bed again. with my cat. ill have a real alarm clock. with my own stereo. with my own fridge. i just look forward to being myself. to having a place in the world. ive felt so...incompetent and lost the past 2 months. nothings been good. nothings been bad. there have been the exremes of great and horrible as well as the "ehh" point. mostly im ehhh. and you know whats sad? for once i have something good in my life, and im just ehh about it. oh well. i need some changes. and changes dont happen unless you make them. so here i go.
  • Current Music
    outkast-roses
ewan

fuck this wallflower shit.

im bored. and i hardly update this anymore. mainly cos i feel kinda bad about using someone elses computer. but im gettin over that pretty quickly. work has progressively gotten worse and worse over the past month. it used to just feel like a chore and now its actually at that point of just making me miserable.

im so sick of waiting to move into my place. i just wanna be there already. i really just wanna be able to be like, "yeah, this is my place. come in. have a drink. make out with me." but noooo. not yet. soon enough i suppose.

ok, and so i met this boy. hes tall and skinny and i mean, were talkin skinny. just how i like em. hes really cute and nice.

have you ever just met someone and even just on first impression you wanna grab them and kiss them?
  • Current Music
    the new jimmy eat world song.
ewan

i smell like beef

i cooked over a hundred hamburgers today at work. our store had a bbq and i cooked for everyone. me and 2 other people actually. im surprised tho cos it was fun. ehh, maybe its cos i like to cook. intresting. if being a chef was that fun all the time, i might consider doing that. but i know it wouldnt be that kewl.
  • Current Music
    black eyed peas-hey mama
my heart

(no subject)

my sisters in the hospital. they say her kidney is slightly rejecting. i hope more than anything that it starts working again. shes been through too much. she deserves for this one to work.
  • Current Mood
    sad sad
ewan

im an asshole.

yes im aware. im an asshole. however, i fully admit to it and accept it as a part of who i am. yet i believe that everyone has that potential to be an asshole or bitch or whatever. its just a matter of when you choose to bring it out. im rarely an asshole unless provoked. i believe that i treat people with the same respect that they treat me. if thats not true then confront me about it and ill gladly explain my actions. and if i cant, i will just as happily admit my own wrong doing.

and yes i agree that journals are to vent....once and a while. however when every journal post is a venting session, its no longer venting, its just bitchy complaining.

do i feel sorry? nope. cos ill explain myself if asked. until then...stay mad. i wont lose any sleep over it.